Pole Fitness – Day 11 
Grace, poise, balance, upper body strength and a strong core: you can see where this is going! How better to prove that I have none of these elements by attending a Pole Fitness taster session, at the Atlantic Reach Hotel? My partner, Paul, spent the afternoon randomly showing me pole-dancing fails on YouTube, which started to foster a deep sense of dread that the pole would fall down that evening and I would be ridiculed. I shared these feelings with him and got told to make sure I got it on film so we could make £250 from You’ve Been Framed.
I wasn’t sure what to wear, so went with the usual Lycra shorts, teamed with my fat pants, just to make sure everything stayed in place. I considered using gaffer tape for extra protection of lumps and bumps but thought it might chafe. So, I took my heavily corseted and un-moisturised body off to give it a go!
When I arrived, Vicky was erecting four poles in the middle of the floor. I took the chance to chat with some of the other girls. I was relieved to discover that not everyone was twenty-something and light looking. Most of them had come along with friends and had the same look of anticipation as me.
We started with a gentle warm-up to cheesy music and then over to the poles. I managed to land myself in the group with the only person in the room who had tried it before. She was immediately labelled “The Pro.” Vicky instructed us to prance around the pole on the balls of our feet to get used to it. She said it would feel a bit strange at first. I placed myself last. The atmosphere in the room changed to laughter and giggles as we got over our initial reticence.
Before we moved on, Vicky told us that “there was no such word as can’t” and praised us for already showing that we were encouraging each other. Next up was more of a swing around the pole, which graduated to swinging and crossing our legs around the pole as we got to the end of the spin. At this point, I started to blame the pole for my dismal efforts and felt that cleaning the pole with the cloth would indicate that the blame didn’t lie with me.
Everybody was having a good old time and there was more Girl Power emanating from the room then a Spice Girls concert. There was clapping, cheering and encouragement for our sisters. However, as with everything I do, as soon as I get the hang of something, it moves on.
My own humiliation arrived when we had to climb the pole and squeeze various muscles to maintain the position. Again, I put myself last after The Pro and her two friends. The two friends hadn’t got the other exercises immediately but this time, they scuttled up the pole with ease. My turn next. Inner thigh muscles are not something which I possess, so this was always going to be a challenge. However, after two failed attempts, which involved me lifting my arms up and clinging on for dear life as I slid down like a slug, the Pro decided to help me by hoisting my foot and telling me to squeeze. Squeeze what? I have nothing to squeeze! My Lycra shorts were achieving the same effect as rolling around in oil and no, I couldn’t pull them up. Remember I am corseted in; I couldn’t roll them up even by an inch!
Thankfully, after encouraging my team to have an extra-long go each, it was time to warm down. Overall, I really enjoyed myself and can see that going with a friend would be a great laugh. I’m sure it would give your body great tone and strength, but I think I would need to locate some of the essential muscles before I would benefit from it.certainly there is a lot of skill involved and providing you can find a team near you, I would definitely encourage anybody, young or old, to give it a go. Don’t forget the hat, though!
Sofa Dodger; One Woman's Quest to Try 100 Different Sports and Fitness Classes in a Year is available on Amazon, please click here
